Children

First, THANK YOU for all your kind words yesterday. I am not normally one to dwell on how pitiful my life is (because I know how wonderful it normally is). But, I do acknowledge I have a lot on my plate right now. And it all kind of culminated this week. And you guys? Were amazing. Brought *good* tears to my eyes throughout the day. So, thank you.

Now, moving onto this post. Children. First, I AM NOT PREGNANT. Just relax.

But, the topic of children came up recently. A good friend of mine, for as long as I've known her, has wanted to get married and have children. She's smart, athletic, motivated, driven, incredibly intense at times, but also this wonderfully adventurous and laid-back person. Due to her studies and professional choices, she has not necessarily been able to focus on those deeply-rooted desires to have a family. And now, at the age of 33, she hasn't yet found that life partner and her biological clock is kind of throwing a fit. Well, more like a tantrum, but it's all semantics at this point, isn't it?

I was at a loss of words for her last week. Because no matter how hard I try, I can't place myself in her shoes. I've tried, believe me. But, even though I have also wanted the same things, my wishing upon a star just isn't as intense as hers. Sure, I've always wanted to get married and have a family. But, pre-Sweets, when I was in my early 30s and wondering if I'd ever find a life love. There was some point I had a serious *life-shrug* ... I accepted the very real possibility I might not find a life-love. Or have children. Or maybe I'd do those things, but not the way I imagined. And I accepted that fate.

I don't feel I was settling, either. I looked at my life. And all the really wonderfully fulfilling things I had in it. And questioned whether the lack of a partner or children would sour my life? Whether I'd let those (admittedly major) things turn a really damn good life into something sad. And lonely. And unfulfilled. And from deep within, the simple answer was absolutely not.

A husband and children were definitely important to me. And I wasn't giving up my search. But, I also wasn't going to let that dictate my happiness. Only I can make me happy. Once I made that decision? I really lightened up. A lot. I stopped caring whether the next guy I met would be *the one.* I began allowing myself the freedom to be happy. Without that feeling of forever searching.

So, when this friend shared her feelings. Her sadness. And frustration. That life wasn't shaping up the way she imagined. I was at a loss. For words. (Yes, me - imagine that.) I wanted to say something to make her feel better. To give her hope. I wanted to be more than a cheerleader. I wanted to give her hard evidence to prove there's time. She will fall in love. Her eggs won't shrivel up. She will get married and have that family she so desperately wants. Because, in my gut, I do believe she'll have it all. But, I couldn't say those things. Well, I couldn't be truthful and tell her those things. Because, in reality, I don't know. Neither does she. And that kills me.

What would you do if you were in my shoes? What valuable morsels of truth would you share?

Exhaustion

I. Am. Exhausted. And. Stressed. And. Running. On. Empty.

There, I said it. And while it doesn't help resolve how I'm feeling. It does help to have it out there. I've been throttling along. Full steam ahead. And I cannot manage to catch up. It's not even a matter of trying. Because, I just don't have the time. Everything is happening at once. I cannot prioritize. Because it's all important. I have no choice. But, to continue. Stress builds. Exhaustion ensues. My eyes hurt. My face hurts. My head hurts. I am tired, but cannot sleep. My body is worn out. There is too much stuff running through my mind.

Sale of my condo. Inspection. Appraisal. Attorney review. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Does everyone have what they need? Why is that girl so bitchy every time she is asked. To. Do. Her. Job??? Why haven't I heard anything? Is that a good sign? I cannot rest easy until the sale is closed. Nothing is guaranteed. So, when will I learn if the close will take place on June 6? I need to know.

Because, I have to coordinate a move. Pack up my condo. Into three piles. (1) Goes to storage. (2) Stays with me. (3) Is donated/trashed. I have to schedule movers. And know how long I have to move personal effects to Sweets' home. I have to change addresses. For banks. Credit cards. Magazines. Doctors. People I love and trust. And I only have one full weekend to do it.

Did I mention I have a wedding to plan? I'm so glad I took a hiatus from planning in April. Because May? I have plenty of time this month to get things done. Right. The sad thing is, I really want this experience to be fun. But, right now? It's not. I have these "must do's" hanging over my head. Family and friends keep inquiring. Have I completed my to do's? The answer? No. I'm having trouble focusing. I cannot think. It's hard to decide. Yet, decisions are what is expected. I hope I don't regret them down the road. Because I don't feel equipped right now.

All these things are affecting me at work. I have trouble focusing. I don't reach out. I don't go the extra mile. I do what is expected. Nothing more. And hope no one else notices. Yet, I notice. And I hate it. I'm always the one to go the extra mile. I hate stopping after 100 yards. Throwing down the gauntlet. But, these days, it's not just my personal life taking a toll.

My commute alone has a negative effect at work. There is construction on every road and back-up road I travel. It's long. Gas prices are soaring. Asshole drivers come out of the woodwork. I'm grouchy before I even arrive at work. I start my afternoon worrying how long it will take to get home. How can I be a positive contributor? How can I rebound?

I have the green light to work at home. My boss gave me the go-ahead. Yet, that's not working either. I feel guilty when I'm not in the office. Less involved. People call on me less when I'm not around. You'd think, given my half-effort at work, I'd feel better about this set-up. Yet, I feel worse. I don't feel included. Or appreciated. And then I begin to have self-doubt. It's a bad cycle.

And it's having a terrible effect on my sleep. I get into bed and my brain is churning. Thinking of the million and one things I must do tomorrow. Refusing my body the thrill of unwinding. Making the fall to sleep long and difficult. Turning sleep from something very deep, relaxing and rejuvenating into a superficial joke. I wake up in the middle. And start the difficult journey again. Many times each night. Yet, I cannot take a little nightly helper like Tylenol PM. Because I have sensitivities to medication. I'd become more of a zombie the next day than I already am.

Either way, I wake up tired. Exhausted. Incapable of adding more to my plate. Unexcited about the hours ahead. I know these feelings are temporary. Many of them will be resolved in the coming weeks. Until then. I think. Too much. And tread my way through each day. On auto pilot. In a terribly emotionless state. What a terrible way to live. SIGH.

On the brighter side, did ya know I was asked to be a guest blogger? Check me out!

Brilliance

This weekend was brilliant. It finally felt like spring! The sun was out. My skin was warmed. And I couldn't help but smile.

Friday, I snuck out of work a bit early (my boss gave me the green light, so I'm really not as bad to the bone as I wish I was!) to go see the girls. Which girls? The baby's mamas! They were in town for a few days. Getting ready for their move. I met them for an hour to see lil' Zora and hear about the mamas' impending move. August 2008. Woo!

Speaking of later this year, that night we met Sweets' parents at the venue where we are having our rehearsal dinner. We wanted to give them a chance to see the private dining facilities and speak with the general manager about the event. We then sat down for a quick bite to eat before they left for the symphony. Wedding plans are chugging along.

Saturday was insane. Sweets had an early tee time, so he was long gone. I grabbed SoMi's leash and we were out the front door. It was so beautiful out. So, the day began with a 3-hour walk with the dog. Exploring the lakefront. And winding our way over to a leash-free dog park. Where she played and played and played to her heart's content. We were both a bit droopy on the walk home, but it was soooooo darn nice out, it was hard to complain.

Next, I met a dear girlfriend (she is one of my bridesmaids). A few months ago, she asked me to take her baby's 3-month pictures. Here are some of the pictures from the 3-month session.


I'm happy to report Lil' Mizz Julia has grown up quite a bit. We were lucky to have sunshine and a beautiful day. Aside from the almost-mishap when the wind blew the stroller to the water's edge (literally inches from falling into the rocky depths below), the photo session was full of smiles and laughter. And a little bewilderment when a man, with his complete life in a backpack, walked towards us, stopped about 15 feet away, leaned over (with his ass in old school sweatpants facing us) and stayed that way. For 15 minutes. Bent over. Balancing. Every once in a while, stretching around his thigh to make sure we were still there. He never moved closer, so we didn't bother telling him to back off. Funny. Strange. Hello, city life. After the photos, we met up with the boys for margaritas, guacamole and a few minutes sitting down.




Later that afternoon, Sweets and I grabbed the dog and headed north. To meet our Realtor. To look at a condo. Love. Love so much we spent a few hours after the tour driving around the neighborhood. Walking through the 40-acre park (2 blocks away). Complete with tennis courts, baseball fields, a track, a playground and lots of green grassy areas with plentiful trees. Counting the blocks to the nearest subway stop (7). Checking out the nearest high school and elementary school (2 blocks away). And getting darn excited about this new part of town. We barely noticed when it began to rain.

We also skipped a kick-ass party with our personal trainers here so we could buckle down. Get our paperwork in order. To talk to my mortgage broker. Man, do they require a lot of information. Addresses. Jobs. Salaries. Bank accounts. 401(k)s. Stocks. Bonds. And all our other deepest darkest secrets. My eyes were shot by Sunday morning from gathering so much information the previous night.

Sunday, we were supposed to have an equally busy day. Working at the gym. Interfaith session at the synagogue. Meetings with two different graphic designers for wedding invitations. Watching after our neighbor's dog. And maybe addressing that pile of laundry that's exiting the closet and encroaching my room. It was too much. I relented. We skipped the interfaith session (which would've been about 2 hours). We focused on us. Naps. Relaxation. Ahhh, it was definitely needed. Though we had some luck meeting with the graphic designers, we also were a bit disappointed to learn that condo went under contract. It had been on the market less than a week.

And now it's Monday. And, we wait. For word from our broker. That we will qualify for a loan. A big, fat, hefty loan. And then we begin to look. Again. At new condos. In a new area. We have some marked. But, we need the good karma a little bit longer. To spread the brilliance that was this weekend.